Discussing Heath with Dignity
October 14, 2008 | posted by: Phyllis, HH Admin
HOW WE WORD THINGS MAKES A DIFFERENCE


When HH started, I did not have a message board except to store articles. One reason was because I hate having to make rules, and then hate even more having to enforce them. LOL

But there have been some phrases used lately that just "feel wrong", not only to me but to other members. And while I've been thinking about how to handle it, I've been ignoring it and trying to gently nudge threads in another direction. Now I've decided to address the situation.

I know that everyone here respects Heath and cares about him. No one here deliberately tries to be disrespectful. But what I've found is that since his passing, some phrases that may have been ok when he was here, "smack of disrespect" now that he's not.

We all acknowledge that Heath has a beautiful form. And yes, we all appreciate his physical beauty. But I've always found it somewhat vapid and shallow to focus on that; it felt like relegating him to a piece of meat, an object, when he was so much better than that and deserved to be respected so much more. It bristled me when he was here, but now, it bristles even more.

Part of what made him so beautiful is his beautiful soul, the kind of man he was: gentle, loving, brilliant, kind, compassionate, humble, thoughtful, creative . . . these are the things that made him truly sexy, and added to his physical beauty in ways that few men could claim.

I believe it's perfectly ok to acknowledge that Heath is attractive. It's honest, and it's natural. He is beautiful in so many ways. And I don't like to "restrict free speech." I also know that I run the risk of being seen as overly-picky. But while free speech is important, HOW to be diplomatic is something learned with time and experience. Before posting, we should remember we're here to honor Heath; that's the purpose of this site. HOW we say something can make a HUGE difference between shallow objectifying and treating Heath with dignity.

So while it's perfectly ok to say something like:

• "I thought he was especially attractive that evening."
• "I loved the little poney-tail he did with his hair."
• "He has such great style."
• "That's my favorite shirt of his!"
• "He was especially sharp in the black tux."
• "I love his eyes there." "His smile is so beautiful."
• even "I know I couldn't resist that smile. It's so bright (happy, energetic, etc.)."

I'm NOT saying you have to use these identical phrases. These are just an example of how to word things in a more appropriate way.

It's not appropriate to use phrases like:

• "OMG!!!! He's so Hottttt!!!"
• "How SEXY is he?"
• Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous!!!
• "Gawd, what a hunk!"

These guidelines should help you understand how to express your admiration for Heath's physical form, and you'll be able to say the same thing, but do it by giving him dignity, instead of treating him like a a sexual object. Certain words (like gorgeous, sexy, etc.) can be tricky, and it makes difference HOW they're phrased. . . . And HOW they're phrased makes a big difference on HOW they feel to readers: whether they feel offensive or respectful.


From the beginning, I have been determined that this site treat Heath with respect, honor, and dignity. At that time, the most important thing to me was to make sure he was never hurt or embarrassed by anything here. To make sure he was always safe with HH.

The goal is still the same. To give Heath honor and dignity. But now, it's important not just for him, but for his legacy and his lasting reputation.

And lastly, it's important for any of those who loved him, were close to him, friends, family, peers, who may visit or be members. You don't know who's here. We forget that sometimes. But make sure you post in a way that you'd not be embarrassed if one of his friends or family read it. Now it's not just about not hurting Heath, it's no longer just about showing him we respect him . . . now it's also about not hurting any of those he left behind and giving them the respect He would have wanted.

I want to thank every one of you for being a member.
And thank you for loving Heath.