Back in January or early February, I posted a topic called "Heath Has Given Me a Gift".

I cannot find it now (I think it got accidentally deleted, sad to say), but I thought that the topic should stay available. Has he given you a gift? Has the gift you found in January last and is it still with you?

I don't have time to re-write mine or even know if I could rewrite it. . . . But it seems to still be with me. Although it is causing a lot of stress and anxiety; it's still there. . .

I'll write more later, but you all feel free to take part in this thread.

I haven't replied in that first thread so I'll do it here. This is really unexplainable but this is true. It's even a little bit fantastic, cauze I know there are a lot of us who feel touched by Heath and gifted by him.

As for me, back in January, when I stopped crying for a minute it just stroke me that I'm not afraid of anything and ready for everything. I can't find proper words for this but it seems like he told to me mind "hey, it's time to cast the fears away and start doing something real". I was awe-stricken by the feeing that so far I haven't done anything to realize to dream, partly b/c it's very difficult,partly b/c I was afraid of some obstacles, [artly b/c I was always thinking more of other peoplethat of myself.
But now I feel very determined. Noone can take it away from me! Everytime I have some hesitations, it's like Haeth again telling me what I've written before.
I've also become more staightforward - if I feel something for the person I tell it immediately, no matter love I feel or the feeling of being offended. Now I always sort it immediately and I see how it helps! My relationships with friends and close people ahve never been moreopen that now.

I actually don't know whether it is a gift from Heath or just some reassesment of some life principles after having encountered his passing but I definitely try my best to live for the moment now. I want to do a lot in this life and and I try not to lose a single second.Love and life.

I know I told this very muzzily but I hope you understand me.

Wow, Cheeky. . . . I did not repost my reply, because I was hoping to find a copy on my computer . . . but you almost said exactly the same thing I said back in February. . .




I had fear and anxiety my entire life. It had ruled me. I never wanted him to know that, and I tried to hide it from him. To me, Heath was the epitome. His courage was one of the first things I noticed. I knew he had fears, but he always seemed to have them under control. It was like he and I both lived inside the same circular wall. Whenever I wanted to do something, I'd tentatively leave the safety of my inner little circle and approach the brick walls . . . I'd push and see if they'd give. I'd knock looking for a weak spot or a hole. I'd bang a little to see if they'd break . . . but I'd never push hard enough. Always retreating back into the safety of my little circle.

Heath lived inside the same wall. But when he wanted out to do something, he'd feel the fear, then take a deep breath and run at the wall, kicking and railing and beating it with his bare hands until the bricks crumbled and he leaped through to the other side. Out there, he'd freely do whatever it was he wanted to do . . . always knowing that when he was finished, the safety of the inside was still there. When he was finished, he'd retreat back inside, build it back up and be safe again . .. but for that short time . . . while he was out there doing whatever his mind was made up to do, he was free.

Like I said, I tried not to show it to him. He was so strong and always able to conquer his fears; I was afraid he'd find it pathetic: my fear and my inability to conquer it. I hid so much from him . . . but part of me really thinks he probably knew. I think he had somewhat of a feel for me, although there was so much I wanted to clarify . . . when it was time. There was supposed to be plenty of time.

Heath had already been a great source of strength and inspiration for me . . . But I was not ready to go it alone, without him. I couldn't even imagine him not here . . .

I still can't.

That was my worst fear. Something happening to him. I prayed nightly, begged and pleaded for his health and safety and long life. . . and then the unthinkable happened. My worst nightmare.

Truth is, after that . . . nothing else can possibly scare me. What could be worse? Certainly nothing that I can imagine.

I did not know if it would last or how long, but so far it has . . . This new fearlessness. It has caused me to travel for the first time. 2 trips to NYC, a place I said no one but Heath could ever get me to visit (sadly, that turned out to be true). I had planned on going back to school . . . but I was taking it slow. After his passing, after I felt stronger, I used the newfound fearlessness to push ahead. His prodding. Yes, to be honest, these changes and choices have caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. But it's not fear. Not like before.

Like I said, something happening to Heath was the worse thing I could possibly imagine. Nothing worse existed in my world, and it can't happen twice. After that, nothing else can hurt me. Nothing & no-one. I may go through crap, but it won't compare to losing Heath. So what do I have to lose? What else could I possibly fear?

I don't like how I got the gift. I'd give it back in a second to have him back with us. . . But that's what he gave me.

Phyllis, thanks for your post. I really feel practically the same.
The only thing... You said that "something happening to Heath was the worse thing I could possibly imagine. Nothing worse existed in my world"
And me... I didn't think of that while Heath was alive. I wasn't that particularly thinking about him. But after he passed away I feel and I can say the same "What to be afraid of if the worst has happened?". That's what surprises me most. I've never thought such thoughts might occur to me. That is so strange and that poabably just proves the idea that Heath had some universal love power...

All I can say in a nutshell about what Heath has given me is a very strong realization about how precious life is and how short it can be and that every day is a gift.

I, like Rosa, have marital problems. While Rosa was pretty much able to see what she needed to do and pick up and just do it, and by the way Rosa, you have no idea how much I admire you for that and how much you made me take a look at my own situation, but unlike Rosa, I have not been able to move away from my situation that quickly. Mostly scared and confused about what to do and where to go. But before Heath died, I couldn't see myself without my husband AT ALL. I was terrified and I didn't even want to think about being on my own. After I found out he had passed and the tears and grief subsided a bit, I realized that life is too damn short to live it the way I was, and that I had to stop being afraid or my life was going to pass right by without me even realizing it.

I started to have dreams where Heath would be there offering support. A hug and a pep talk. One dream in particular where he looked me straight in the eye and said, "You are and adorable woman with adorable qualities and you are drastically underestimating your abilities. Anyone who can't see those qualities doesn't deserve you and it's their loss!"

It has been a slow road. But little by little I am starting to realize that I can have a life outside this hell and be happy, and little by little, I am getting a taste of that life when I stand up for myself and say that I don't want to take anymore. So in a nutshell, I guess you could say that he has given me courage to start to move forward, even if it is only baby steps right now.

Isnt it amaizing that we all have this huge impact? Im still wondering about it sometimes.. I feel that Heath has given me the same gift as many of you - the courage, but its also something else too, Im not sure what it is but its a good feeling I cannot say that Im fearless now but I feel more daring and free.. Its like when Heath left this world he didnt want to take it all with him.. he handed out his love and courage and all the good energies to the people left behind, cause they still need these qualities here Im sure most of it went to Matilda and other close family and friends but as we can see here, so many people were touched by his spirit. I definitely needed more courage and Im very grateful for that precious gift, I hope I never lose that.

My gift has been that in the aftermath of the tragedy I found this wonderful site and so many caring people who seem to be on the same wavelength as me. By reading about other people's lives and experiences and heartaches I have found comfort and the courage to change a few things in my life.

I don't say much in my posts but I read everything on the board and I feel a strong connection with you wonderful people on the board.

Thank you so much, Aussiegirl. I see you on the site all the time, but you're very quiet. I'm glad to know you are reading.

Heath has given me a gift, but I really don't know how to put it into words. Maybe just helping me realize how short life is and how it could end any moment and to be more patient with those we love because their life could end any moment. Sometimes with those we love we are so hard on them and nitpick at stupid things. What if something suddenly happened to them? It's not worth it. Also, to be more caring about others. When I heard about Heath's death I thought it was really sad, but kinda shrugged it off and I made a lot of assumptions based on tabloid rumor. I am ashamed of that now (I'm sorry, Heath). My eyes are opened now to everyone I see-neighbors, people at the grocery store, etc. They are real people in need of someone to care about them. Not to judge them or assume to know them when you don't.

If I hadn't finally decided to learn more about him I may not have changed. Life is short so enjoy every moment. Take chances. Don't be afraid. Care about people. I think he gave me lots of gifts. I am thankful to him, to God and to this site and all the wondeful people here. Sorry, a lot of rambling, but that's what my posts do sometimes. lol

BlueEyed . . . Heath was truly the most non-judgmental person I've ever known of. . . He completely lacked prejudice, as far as I could tell. It never occurred to him to think about race, gender, or sexuality. He socialized regardless of the person's economic status, and I think truly did not even notice a difference . . . He just saw people. And he understood them on a human level, and none of the rest made a difference.

I personally felt this, as my economic status is on the complete other end of the spectrum from Heath's. But I never felt he even thought about my living situation, my economic status, any of it. I felt he only saw me, and I think he was getting a feel for me as a person.

I wanted to share so much more with him, when the time was right and he was more comfortable, but we never got that chance.


That was him. He took risks in his life and in his career. He faced his fear and conquered it over and over on a daily basis. And he did really care about people.


Thanks so much. We're so glad to have you. And don't worry . . . we're allowed to ramble here. It's saying something more significant than "2 sentence LOL chat speak". So ramble on . . .

Phyllis, thank you for responding to my post. He was truly one of a kind. Just a true, genuine person. You are so lucky (blessed) to have known him, even if it was just a little bit. Also, thank you for helping my post sound more respectful. I was not even thinking. I'm so sorry if I offended anyone.

That is funny about you saying I am very quiet. That would give my family and friends a laugh as I never stop talking but it is harder to put all my thoughts down in a post.


When I get up in the morning I log on to see what everyone has been posting overnight and sometimes I go off to do something and forget to log out. Silly me.

Phyllis, as you know I am full time carer for my parents and in the last few days my Mum has been very ill. Sunday morning she started vomiting and was so ill that I rang the ambulance and they took her over to the Emergency department. After many tests and lots of vomiting she was admitted to the hospital on Sunday afternoon and her condition was not improving so yesterday they did a Cat scan and it revealed that she had a bowel obstruction. Last night they operated on her and she was back in recovery at 10.30pm and had come through the operation really well. She is still in Intensive care but is doing well. I am going over to see her in a couple of hours after I get Dad settled for the day.

My mum is 82 and she suffers from Alzheimers but she still knows us all. Her long term memory is really good and she can recall everything from when she was younger but she has trouble with her short term memory. She reads the papers every morning and she will tell me when there is a story about Heath in there. Isn't that great.

Di

Di, your Mum is very lucky you're looking after her so well. I'm glad all went well. It's so cute how she's collecting Heath articles for you...

You're welcome, hun.

I did not know if you'd even notice my tiny little edit. LOL



Oh Di, I wondered if you were feeling stress and if how your parents were doing. A bowel obstruction is a serious big deal. I'm glad they caught it and that the operation went well . . . While she's recovering, you take some time to get some rest, if possible.

Big Hugs.

(oh, btw: if you are not really on the site, it will automatically drop you from the active users list after about 1/2 hour. . . you're still logged on, but you don't show up as being on here. ... If that makes sense.)

Thanks Phyllis and Rosa for your kind words.

I am always a bit stressed but that comes with the job. Mum and Dad are going into respite in October for a month and I am having a stress free 10 days in Hawaii. It is a long time since I last went on an overseas trip.

Mum and Dad are going to the same place that they had respite in February and they really enjoyed it there so that is a relief.


I am off to the hospital now.

Di

Heath gave me the gift of himself when he spoke to me twice on another forum.I never expected anything from him yet he reached out to me not just once but twice and that's why when he passed I felt as if I had lost a friend.

Heath also taught to be more adventurous. I know Heath was with me when I went canoing and gave me the courage to actually do it.I felt his presence there.I felt he was looking down on me smiling and saying I'm so proud of you for overcoming your fear.

Di i'm sorry about your mother. I will pray for her and soon wet well. Youre a wonderful dauther. They must be proud of you. So enjoy your 10 days free of stress, you deserved it.

Well Heath give me the gif of beeing more free, not to paying atention of the comments of people or let them intefer in my life. Also he make me look inside me and try to be a better person, a better parent. I want to continiun growing up from the inside and i want to be more fear free when i need to take desition in my life. But his most wonderfull gif form him was his present for 28 years he stay in the earth, and for almost 10 years he give a time to have fun seing his movies.

We will keep your mother in our prayers, Aussiegirl! It takes a special person and a great deal of strength to care for an aging parent. You are both lucky to have eachother! I think it's adorable that she keeps an eye out for articles on Heath to share with you! That's really great!

The gift that Heath has given me is the courage to take a good hard look at life and make some changes. Changes are never easy but with his guidance, I have been able to overcome these fears and do what was necessary. I had been in a really bad relationship for far too long than I would like to remember. I was so afraid of being alone that I hung on just to have a man in my life. He was so controlling and never let me do what I wanted. He would always get angry when I spent time with my family, whom I dearly love. After much soul searching and a good talking to from my family members, I decided to end it with him. I couldn't take the feeling of being suffocated anymore so I told him it was over. That was a hard thing to do. I felt as though Heath was there telling me to dump this guy and get on with life. It was good advice because I met someone very special and we have been together now for a while. He is a very caring person and we understand eachother. I am so thankful for this gift because without it, I would still be stuck in a bad relationship and not very happy! I feel as though I owe a debt of gratitude to Heath for this! Without his inspiration, I don't know where or who I would be!

I'm glad you found the strength to put an end to this controlling relationship. I'm starting to wonder how many women there are out there who left their husbands because they were inspired by Heath...

Heath was so true to himself and his light so bright that he seemed to shine clarity on things that were previously unclear.

Thank you Laurence and LF for your kind words and prayers for my mother. She is doing so well now. It is times like this that you appreciate the skill of our doctors.

I started thinking about what other gifts Heath has given me and one is to not put off anything until a later date as life is too short and Heath packed so much into his 28 years.

I have always worried about what other people think and this has stopped me in the past from doing some things but now as long as I know in my heart something is right I go ahead and do it. When I was Heath's age I was like him and fearless and confident but as I grew older and life got harder that gave way to fearfulness.

I'm so happy for you Mom! Though I kept still in this thread, I'm still thinking of you both!

Just the same that I feel. It's all about the depth of life insted of the lenght. Your siggy id brilliant!

Aussiegirl, you just speak out my thoughts. I don't know, how this can be possible, but you sau exactly what I feel. Antway, I'm so glad that that is another thing that unites us! I think, Heath would be happy to know that people who love him so much have finally realize that life is meant for living and not being stopped by thinking of what other people would say.

In the beginning of the last year I was in a really bad condition, because there were a few difficult things in the last years (my mother died, my husband had a motorbike accident with an injury, my father was comatose in hospital for many months, and some other bad things)
For me there was only a lot of work everyday and in my holidays then I had a broken foot or an appendectomy, and so on…never time to rest, never time for good conversation with my husband, never time for fun or to be sad. Every night sleep only for five hours. I was really exhausted and had then still in January the final diagnose of an incurable liver disease (resulting from a chronic Hep. C).
I was always an awful perfectionist and obsessed by all things I’ve done. I was thinking always more of all other people than of myself. I’ve always had baseless self-doubt (“is it all good enough, what I do?”) and so on.
But I was always full of life and young at heart. And now I was full of fear. And badly depressed. That was all?
Then I heard the news from Heath on the radio and checked up the Internet about him.
I was so sad about his passing, I was only crying every day. My own situation was not longer important, I found it is so unfair, that this wonderful man had to die so young.
After this year now, I am fearless to die (may be soon or not), because I live my life more consciously and I live just for the moment. I quit my job (now we live with less money and it’s alright), I take time for myself to sleep, to read, to paint, to explore more about Heath, to hear music and sometimes to do nothing. I’ve no more fears to lose material things; no fears not to be perfect – I can enjoy my day without pressure, can have fun and I can accept sad hours or days too. And I don’t hide my emotions or thoughts. I feel free now.
Without Heath this all had been impossible for me. He was very young, but very wise.
And he touched my soul.

Johanna, I'm so sorry to hear about your illness; thank you so much for sharing.

I understand your hesitance perfectly.
I still have a lot of hesitance, sometimes, but it's because of my insecurity about my own abilities. As for fear from the outside, it's gone.

He changed me so much while he was here, and I still needed him here. But his passing spurred the evolution almost instantly. I'm a different person in many ways. But truth is, it's not worth his sacrifice. His influence would have helped me get there anyway, as it was doing already. Only not as quickly.

I am so amazed and gratified at what he gave me, both when he was here and afterwards. But I still need him. And I would give it all back if he were still here.

Yes, I agree with you and would give all back and all what I have too, if he still were here...

Johanna, your story moved me deeply... Heath truly has given you a precious gift. There's nothing more valuable than loosing your fear and finding peace under your circumstances. I wish you the very best with your health. Often when the soul experiences such a drastic positive change, the body's health improves with it accordingly. I really do believe Heath is with us in spirit and nothing would please him more than to know what an impact he's had on people like yourself. I applaud your courage and positive attitude and wish you all the very best...

Thank you, Rosa, I know, Heath helped so many people and me so much - and I feel every day, he is here in spirit, everywhere. I feel secure now.
I wish, he had obtained help, as he needed...

Well Phillys,your post is very touching,and true..What in the world could possibly happen,worst that loosing Heath? certainly nothing,in a way we all feel the same,fearlessness now,cause we know nothing else would ever compare to the sorrow and sense of loss that Heath passing has brought to our lives,I feel the same way,i feel like i can do it all,and if i fail,i'll just,like you said,keep pushing that wall,until i get there..it's so sad Heath had to go away,to show us that there's worst things in this world than,let's say,stepping out of your safety zone,or daring to do something you may,later,regret..Death is one of them,and i think if we don't do what we feel like doing now,we may regret it seriously at the end of our lives,and that will be a big weight to carry..But also in a way,i think im not so afraid of death anymore either,of course i don't wanna die,and wish i could live forever but since Heath's been up there,i kinda feel more safe to leave this world,cause somehow he'll be whit me when i arrive,i want to believe..i just feel so lucky to have known him in a way,and see what a beautiful soul he was,Gosh well almost end up crying again,thank you all for sharing your thoughts

Exactly.

Johanna,

I am so sorry to hear about your illness and I wish you all the best. I will keep you in my prayers. When you become ill or someone you love becomes ill material things and jobs and having money are no longer important and it is such things as family and friends and peace of mind that we need. God bless you.



Di

Thank you for sharing what Heath meant to you. And how your lives were affected by him.

He affected my life too but I am not ready to talk about it

Thanks so much Di,
I think, sometimes you get the opportunity, to change things and sometimes you have to change things – whether or not you want to. That’s the hard way and you have to go through.
Heath told me with his belief, how to go through. Now it is for me alright.

For me it is for the first time, I try to express myself...

Wow, what an inspiration you are. You have discovered the secret to true freedom. Bless you.

I believe that Heath has given me the gift of acceptance (although I never knew him personally) I love the fact that in interviews he was real twitchy, and anxious ... it has just made me feel better about being such a neurotic anxious person myself, and at having people often say to me "Oh, you're a quiet one, aren't you?!"

It has just made me accept that being a neurotic, anxious person is who I am and they are the qualities I project, without caring about the way I am percieved so much. I know it may sound suckish, but for me it's true..

Welcome Lin.
I know what you mean. I too suffer from anxiety, and worrying too much what people think . . . and I look at Heath and am amazed at how he would just "buck up" and do the interview or walk the carpet . . . things he dreaded . . . and you could see it wasn't his favorite thing, but he faced whatever had had to, because he was so strong and such a professional.
I don't know if he knew how inspirational he was.


Johanna, how are you doing lately?

Thanks Phyllis, I'm okay, with ups and downs, but I'm still living in the way I've written about above, and it is a very good way for me. I'm doing much more creative work now, without any pressure, only what I like to do.
I'm still very grateful to Heath, because through him I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned to accept myself, and I'm living very free and unconventional now, as it always had been my real disposition. Not worrying what people think about me, or what may be in the future - that's over. I live for the day and sleep very well again.
But I still miss Heath so much. That will never change.

I think Heath has also taught me not to worry about what people think.

Just as a silly example. I recently went to get a new pair of pajamas. usually I would get more sedate patterns. I had one that had clouds on it and another pair that had bears on them. Very quiet colors.

The one I got now has a more loud pattern. Has peace signs, happy smiley faces, sun. something i probably wouldn't have gotten normally. But I bet Heath would have appreciated

Now I want you to wear those pajamas to the grocery store and not worry what people think! LOL

LOL. I saw that happen a few months ago. One afternoon about 3pm at the checkout of our large supermarket I saw a woman in her 30's in very colourful pj's and slippers.

I wonder if this pyjama-wearing woman (BBC news link) was inspired by Heath

Listen to the audio file if you want to hear a funny English accent... and a funny story

Hey, I've schlepped to the Quick-E-Mart or a fast food drive through in my PJ's at 3 in the morning.

Well, to me that's cheating! 3 am is a time when you're supposed to wear PJ's. (But you might not know that since you don't sleep like ordinary people... ) And even if you live in a big city, at 3 am there's a lot less people out than during daytime - and I bet that amongst those who are out, the PJ-wearing percentage is waaay higher than during, for example, rush hour. So come back with the challenge when you've been "PJ-shopping" at 3 pm!

I can tell you one thing: You'll never catch me shopping in my PJ's. Not that I have anything against people doing that. It's just that I don't own one. And for the safety of and respect for my fellow humans, I refrain from going shopping in what I wear in bed, which most of the time is my birthday suit. (Too much info?! Well, tough luck! )

See? exactly. Which is why at 3 am, putting on pj's IS me getting dressed!

I've just read through this thread for the first time today and it amazes me firstly, how much Heath has inspired people and secondly, how much I can relate to most of the things you guys have said already.

I wrote a little poem, I don't pretend to be a poet and am a little embarrased to post it but then I think again about Heath and remember I shouldn't be so worried about what people think. It explains just some of the ways Heath has changed me.

You taught me to be strong
You showed me life should be a bomb
You always fought the fear
Pushing yourself each time up a gear
Always true to yourself
Never fell for the fame or the wealth
You said 'If you are still having fun ...
... carry on!'
You taught me to live for the day
And to think about what I do and say
Sadly you taught me life can be short
Now your words remain as our support
You were a knight, an addict, a cowboy and a priest
For all this and more
I thank you, Heath.

Thank you so much, Naomi. I'm so glad you shared.

I really wish the original thread were still here. There were over a hundred people, all sharing similar, yet varied accounts of how Heath changed them.
I'm glad you finally found the thread. And that Heath was able to touch you.

Thanks so much for having the courage to share.

Can I post one song for you, girls, over here?
Citizen cope, Sideways:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fpKncoeF3g

Best regards,

Wow - this song is amazing - love it - you bought a tear to my eye today Hollyhock18 - but in a good way - thanks for posting! x

God bless you, Naomi!

Thank you so much, Naomi, for sharing that poem with us! You really pinpointed a lot of what Heath is - to me anyway!

And Hollyhock - can't listen to the song right now, cause my internet connection's just too slow... But I'll check it out when I can do so properly. Thank's for posting it - and to us - if I haven't said that before!