Hello all....
I have another post to share with you all....about my experinces that I have been feeling and still do feel about Heath's passing....
I have been a big mess here lately....I have been wanting to post this for some time now....But those feelings just come crashing down on me again and again...over and over....!!!
And with Heath's Birthday tomorrow....My grief is crashing down on me once again!!!
Here goes....

A Time to Grieve....A Time to Heal....( If it will eventually be possible?)

Have you ever noticed the many mixed-up emotions involved in grieving?
On one hand, you feel restless....
On the other hand, you don't want to move at all....
You feel scatterbrained, forgetful, and yet, frantically meticulous.
You feel like crying at nothing, and sometimes, laughing at anything...
Being in a crowd of people is fine, as long as they don't talk to you.
And yet, if they don't talk to you...you feel like as if nobody cares...
You want, so desperately for someone to mention your loved one, to Remember the life that was...
And yet, it can make you furious, if all they want to do is talk about your Loved one...who has passed on....
Grief settles over you like a hot blanket....
But then, at the same time, your as cold as the winter snow....
Grief presses on you like a steamroller...
But then, at the same time, you're floating in a bubble above yourself...
Grief boxes you in on all four sides and...
Introduces you to a pain on one should have ever known....
But then, once again, you begin to feel compassion...
You begin to relate to others,
who have had similar experiences to your own...
And eventually, with a light as sharp as a sunburst,
You hear yourself saying your loved one's name....
And with a familiar smile....on your face,
You begin to remember some of the funny times....
And you begin to feel laughter building up in your throat.
One morning, you noticed the sun is shining...
The flowers are bursting with the colors of spring....
A season has passed, unnoticed...and somehow, you are still here.....
Even though your loved one is still there,
You feel your heart swell with a love...
You never, even knew...could exist!!
And you find a place in you life, for something called...PEACE?
And then, ever so gently, the memories enfold you in warmth...
As soothing as a cold shower, on a hots summers day...
So then, you find that you want to "always" remember.
And those tender memories of "love" lifts you...
To unreachable heights, to the brightest of stars....
To the heavens above, and to the loveliest touch of your,
Angel in disguise, which you will always & forever....LOVE!


(The healing part of this poem...is where I am trying to be....But it isn't happening, quite yet.... I am affraid it will for me, take alot more time...!
I can't explain why or how I feel this kind of grief for Heath...I just do!!!!
Slowly, but surly I hope in time...I will find my PEACE & understand why
This has been happening to me...?? I thank you all here at HeathHeathens for your kind friendship and support to me....Because without it, I would be truly a lost soul!!!
Love to you all...Always & Forever....Heath Ledger!

Heidi

Heidi, I know what you mean. I have been all over the place. Everything gets jumbled . . . at first, it was intense grief with no respite, then it was intense grief with very few and far between relief.

Here I am today, 9 minutes into Heath's birthday, sitting at a public computer at a hostel in Chinatown. (I say "hostel", because it's not really a hotel, but I was fortunate enough to get a room with a private bath.) I am less than 1/3 of a mile from Heath's apartment (7 minutes walking distance). The SuperShuttle taking me from JFK to Soho went through Brooklyn, and the driver pointed out that "Heath Ledger's wife lives right around the corner." Yet I have not cried once . . . (although talking about it now is getting me to well up a bit.) I did not cry on arrival trip, or during the preparation times. . . It feels bizarre (ok, here come some small tears now) . . . to be sitting here in his city and not feel intense pain. How can I not grieve for his loss?

It somehow feels wrong to have any moment of relief, as his loss is so great, I can't imagine being happy. Like it's a betrayal of him. (ok, I am crying a bit now) . . . yet now, in the last week or so, I am going longer and longer without tears.

I can now talk about him without crying. But on the other hand, it's like I've separated myself from his being gone . . . like it's not real.

Will I be able to lay a rose and not cry? And if I don't cry, what does that say? How can I not? We'll see what happens.

I dunno . . . it goes back and forth.

I guess it's happening slowly. But I'm not sure I want it to . . . because it feels disrespectful not to constantly miss someone who was so significant to me . . . so present with me at all times.

Funny thing is, now my mind has created this place where he's not gone . . . so it's ignoring the truth. I think that's how I'm coping.

None of this makes any sense, does it? I sound completely infreakinsane. But putting the grieving process into words isn't something that always makes sense, unless you are talking to others who are also grieving.

Anyway, I gotta go . . . I'm going to look around the board a bit, check email, and head off.

Hugs everyone.

Phyllis
It makes perfect sense as I sit here crying my eyes out .
I hope you have a wonderful time.
Stay strong but let it go if you feel it coming..


XOXO
Amy

Hi Phyllis

I'm glad you made it safely. Hope you'll get to catch up on some sleep so you'll be ok for the big day...

I always appreciate your honesty - it warms my heart. I think it is important that you keep staying true to what you feel inside. Don't let any guilt of about what you think you should be feeling get in the way. I think maybe the first little steps of the healing process have started - embrace whatever you feel inside - don't betray yourself out of fear of betraying another - what comes from the inside can't be wrong...

I'll be thinking of you... Please send my love to Heath on my behalf when you visit his place. I wished I could be there, too... I'll be there in my thoughts...

RainBowBrite, thank you so much for your post - it is the most beautiful words I've ever seen written about grief...

Oh, Heidi!

You really covered it all, didn't you??!! I especially recognized the part about being fine in a crowd of people as long as nobody talks to you, yet wanting them to talk to you, whishing them to mention Heath, but dreading it. All these ups and downs. I could have quoted the whole text - but that would have made this post so very long!

Me myself I'm starting to "sniff" the healing period - I think. At least my mind and my soul are starting to remind me of the fact that there still is life out there, with spring flowers and the occasional glimps of the sun.

I was writing to Phyllis the other day - complaning about how numb I was feeling and that everything outside my window looked so grey inspite of spring coming. Writing it in early morning, at that moment I looked outside - and actually realized, could actually take in the fact that the sun was up and that it was going to be a beautiful day.

I'm not sure if I would have noticed it so clearly if I hadn't just been writing about the greyness I experienced. Before that I know that I've taken a look at the world, seeing signs of spring, but not feeling any emotional connection to that fact (which is weird for someone living in a subarctic country - I can tell you that!).

I guess that is a testimony as good as anyone as to the importance this forum has had for me - and is still having.

But at peace with it? Far from it! I can't really say I'm in the healing process yet. It's more like I'm looking at it through a rather dirty window: I can see its shapes moving on the other side, but I can't touch it, feel it or smell it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your thoughts on this!

With love!

//Nina

Heidi,

Thanx for the lovely poem. I was crying my eye balls out. It was outstandingly beautiful. I'm glad you posted it (even though you made me cry!!).

Phyllis,

I'm so glad you made it safely and don't feel bad that you haven't cried much this week. Your mind was also busy with taken care of arrangement for your trip to NY. And now you're in the Big Apple, you have so many new impressions and things to see over there. Enjoy.....tears will come with a smile and with a sad face. We all know you're grieving (we all are) and it's not disrespectful that you don't cry and think about Heath all day. Sometimes it's nice to do other things to keep your mind from going insane. I was glad I had a very busy weekend last week, so I didn't think about Heath the whole day.....Of course I thought about him more than a couple of times a day....but not the whole day, talked with people, just taking my mind off of Heath (trying to at least).
ENJOY and we'll hope you have a great time and give us pictures and beautiful stories next week.
And keep on walking through the streets of NY !!!!!!!

Nina,

Beautifully described, not in a Healing Process but looking through a dirty window, it's vage, you can't look through it, you know there are beautiful things behind it, but not be able to touch it. I see the sun shine (well not today, it's grey), I see the flowers grow, I hear the birds sing and being busy with each other............but it doesn't bring Spring in my heart yet......

I'm still dealing with the fact, am I going to see a movie of Heath today. Yesterday I was convinced I would, but now.....I really feel sad today......I don't know....................

Phyllis, hun! You don't sound infreakinsane. Actually: what you're describing makes sense to me.

First of all I think it's a physical thing. I don't think your body, your mind or your heart can stand to be in the intense pain you and so many others here felt before. I think experiencing that pain sooner or later makes your system "overheat" and then shut down some of it's functions - just in order to cope. I think that explains my numbness and your place of him not being gone. Your system needs a rest, sweetie. That's all.

Second of all: Does your reactions now mean you're missing him less? No!! Of course not! It's just that you are experiencing the loss in a different way now that your system is no longer on "red alert". And the feeling of betraying him by not staying in that intense grieving mode, I recognize that very well. And I belive the only way of reconciling that is to realize that the only thing that's happened is that the way you are grieving him has changed. Just because you grive him through smiles instead of through tears, it doesn't mean that you grieve him any less.

And then - once more I have to say I'm so glad you logged on and shared this with us. For a moment I was transported through space to that hostel you're in, just a 7 minutes walk from Heath's apartment. And since I can't be there in the flesh - I thank you for letting me be there in spirit for a while.

Take care of yourself!
Lots and lots and lots of hugs!
//N

Here's a poem I found I'd like to share with you:

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.
It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."
God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years.
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry: it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low;
Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street and you've got Me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when it's time for you to go....from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going.....you're coming here to Me.

OMG, Springrose. So many tears, I can't even see.

I hope he is enjoying his day up in Heaven. That's gotta be one hell of a party!!!

Oh dear oh dear oh dear!

Didn't catch this till now! Listening to Nick Drake - and reading this poem made the tears streaming!

Thank you so very very much! I could hear Heath whispering those words reading it!

All my love!
//Nina

I am listening to the radio here at work and
Oh Very Young by Cat Stevens came on. The words made me think of Heath.

Here are the Lyrics .




Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth
For a short while
And though your dreams may toss
And turn you now
They will vanish away
Like your Daddy's best jeans
Denim blue fading up to the sky
And though you want him to last
Forever you know he never will
(You know he never will)
And the patches
Make the goodbye harder still.

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
There'll never be a better chance
To change your mind
And if you want this world
To see (a better day)
Will you carry
The words of love with you
Will you ride
The great white bird into heaven
And though you want to last
Forever you know you never will
(You know you never will)
And the goodbye
Makes the journey harder still.

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth
For a short while
Oh very young
What will you leave us this time.

Kitten that is one of my most favorite songs ever. Thank you for posting it.

I have always liked Cat Steven and this song but never really listened to the words or the words never really made sense to me until today .

Phyllis- I am SO glad to hear that you made it safely. I read your post and felt that it makes sense for you not to cry and not to feel the heavy burden of the pain. I believe that his presence is with you, in a very real way,giving you strength. Heath obviously loved NY and he loved life. You are there, in the city where life abounds 24/7 and the very essence of all that he was-living life outloud-surrounds you. I truly believe that Heath would want you to enjoy yourself and celebrate his life in the city he chose to make home. He would want your tears to be happy ones. I hope you are able to feel his closeness as you walk the streets he walked and stare at the same stars upon which he gazed. Many blessings for a safe return.